There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3
Last week I dedicated my Thanksgiving blog post to Mike Henry, my ex-husband’s brother who unexpectedly died on November 23. My ex-husband and I were married for twenty-two years. After our divide, we remained connected through our sons, and then after a freak accident where I busted up my mouth, we once again found ourselves in each other’s company. Our problems were the same, yet we were evolving. Slowly. And painfully. Our potential reconciliation manifested as an ebbing and flowing where we eventually gained a deeper recognition and appreciation of each other’s needs and a concerted effort to change for the better. This means a lot of things for each of us, for both of us, which maybe I’ll share sometime in the future. For now, however, I would like to say this: We attended Mike’s funeral together, with both our sons, like we had my brother’s funeral just last fall, all of us deeply shocked and saddened by another loss.
Thanksgiving reminds us to reflect on our blessings, to be grateful, to pause and remember that which is alive and good. But what happens when there is death? When Thanksgiving is overshadowed by a funeral? As friends and family gathered during Thanksgiving week to remember Mike, and as the reverend began the service with words of gratitude, a child wept.
Mike’s five-year-old granddaughter sat on her mom’s lap, enveloped in the comfort of her mother’s arms. Then, she slid over to her dad’s lap and cried some more, his strong arms holding her safely within. Finally, she made her way to her grandmother, the woman who had been married to her Papa for forty years. She and her grandmother embraced and cried––each a comfort to the other.
A child’s free-flowing sobs mingled with the prayers, scriptures, stories, and songs like a much-needed ingredient in a family recipe. Nobody hushed her or ushered her out. She was not shamed. Instead, she was allowed to shower her sorrow, to feel her pain, to move through it, and in the end to better move through her loss like we would savor a Thanksgiving meal. This child’s freedom to be sad was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. It gripped my being.
Thanksgiving is about gratitude yes, but when people ache, Thanksgiving is gracious enough to step aside and say, “Cry my children. Cry. Let it out. For loss (of any kind) hurts. I am not here to push aside pain with a righteous or forced gratitude, but rather to be with you, by your side through this time. And when you’re ready to laugh and smile and give thanks once again, I’ll still be here. But for now, in this day, cry my children. Cry your tears. Mourn how you need. And know that your sorrow is sacred.”
Note: After writing this blog post, Mike Henry, my ex-husband’s 58-year-old brother, unexpectedly died. We will be traveling this Thanksgiving to attend a funeral, to pause, and ponder another life gone. I dedicate this blog to Mike, who remained and will forever be with his high school sweetheart, Sherry; who was also the father of four, grandfather of three, who loved his work and community, and who was alive and peaceful in the end.
Every Tuesday I attend Toastmasters, an international public speaking organization. To help each other improve our presentation skills, members serve as functionaries, such as Grammarian, Timer, and the ever-dreaded Ah Counter, who tracks filler words like and, um, ah, so, and but. It’s not that we can’t use these filler words. We can. We just can’t allow them to use us, in other words become too much, too annoying, too distracting. As members get more comfortable speaking in front of others, we learn the value in replacing these habitual words with silence.
We learn to pause.
Pausing can allow the speaker to collect his/her thoughts, add emphasis, slow down a speech that needs slowing, help gain composure, or further enrich a rhythm.
There is power in the pause.
And just like with public speaking, there is also power in pausing from our daily runaway duties.
This week, Thanksgiving week, is all about pausing––one of the reasons I hail this holiday. Unfortunately, it is sandwiched between the frenzy of black witches and Black Friday––the madness that kicks off the madness of holiday shopping. Thanksgiving is there, but barely. It’s like a piece of bologna between two slices of cake.
But I love Thanksgiving! I love the Macy’s Day Parade and that the commentators are bundled up and I’m not. I love that there are no gifts. I love that we actually take time to ponder our blessings and be with family and friends. I love fall. I love all the amazing food. I love Thanksgiving.
Today I’m taking a pause from my body image series to promote my favorite holiday. I don’t want it to be bologna between two slices of cake. I want Thanksgiving to be hailed for all its glory. I want it to push its way back onto our calendars. To demand its place. But Thanksgiving isn’t like that. It is not rude or forceful. It’s simply there if we so choose.
Let’s pause this Thanksgiving to collect our thoughts, to add emphasis where needed, to slow down that which needs slowing, to gain our composure, and to further enrich our distinctive rhythms.
Let’s pause this Thanksgiving.
Blog entry by Sandra B Stanford, LMHC
“I’d rather be dead than red on the head” was a chant I heard regularly as a kid growing up in Memphis, Tennessee. “Carrot Top” became an unwelcome nick name. I hated my red hair. As far as I was concerned, it did not serve me well and I dreamed of the day that I could march into the beauty salon and be handed a chart that gave me the ability to choose a color….any color that did not have ridicule and shame attached to it.
Shame…my shame was associated with a part of my body that had been with me since birth. I was stuck with it and would regularly look in the mirror and dream of being a blonde, so carefree and pretty. But the mirror told me the truth. My red hair was my nemesis, and it brought me feelings of shame.
“If you put shame in a Petri dish and douse it with secrecy, silence and judgement, shame grows exponentially.”Brené Brown, Shame researcher
This can be debilitating. The main issue with shame is the feeling that there is something wrong with me. And shame is merciless. It knows no boundaries, is no respecter of persons, race, culture or creed.
How do people experience shame? One of the markers of shame begins in our bodies. Sometimes our head might drop down, or our mouth feels dry. Our heart can beat faster and our cheeks turn red. Not everyone experiences the same symptoms, so it is important to tune into our body’s shame signals. Once we start to notice feelings of shame, we are in a better position to address them and turn them around to self-love.
As I grew up and began to learn the importance of self-acceptance, I began the journey by embracing that part of me that had brought such hurt. I decided to work on accepting my red hair by first looking in the mirror and saying: “I love and accept you,” and “You are a good person and you are beautiful.” The mirror was no longer an enemy, but a friend.
Therefore, one of the assignments I give to my clients who struggle with self-image is called “mirror therapy.” I ask them to look into a mirror and state, “I am beginning to love you.” To reassure them that I am not asking anything of them that I do not do for myself, I first demonstrate this exercise with a handheld mirror I keep in my office.
The journey of self-love begins with knowing where you have been judging or condemning yourself and determining to change your self-talk with compassion and love. Brené Brown ends her previous shame statement with these words:
“But, if shame is doused with empathy, it cannot grow. Empathy is a hostile environment for shame.”
It is my hope that each of us can walk a life of loving our bodies in a healthy way. This can be hard. And it is done only one step at a time. But we are all worthy of this journey of learning to love those parts that have previously taunted us.
I am no longer that little girl in elementary school looking for a beauty shop to erase a part of me. Instead, when I wake up and take that first look in the mirror, I am anticipating a good day because it will be filled with self-love and acceptance––the key to relinquishing shame and embracing who I am.
Sandra B Stanford, LMHC
Certified Daring Way ™ Facilitator
Certified in EMDR Therapy
Founder Our Marriage Matters Retreats
Interested in learning more about shaming and embracing?
Register for Sandra’s and my upcoming Embodiment Therapeutic Writing Class.
I was editing a series of stories with a writer friend when I stopped, put down the story, and commented, “I’ve never felt this way.” I was referring to a line the writer had written about herself that said, “I looked hot.” I stopped on that sentence because I had read something similar from another story by another author, and remember thinking the same thing then, “I’ve never felt hot.” But these two writers described times when they felt beautiful, fierce, confident, and comfortable in their own skin.
I couldn’t relate.
How would it feel to walk into a room and own my beauty?
I wanted to feel “hot.”
As it was, I felt too skinny, like anorexic skinny. A mindset like this develops after a lifetime of people point out how skinny one is, slurring the “i” as if to stretch its skinniness like a green Gumby doll. Remember him? You could pull his stretchy arms and legs and body to an unnatural thinness. That’s how skinny that “i” sounded to me. Skeeeeeny. People’s freedom to voice their opinions about my body (this would include perfect strangers) always seemed code for, “There’s something wrong with you.” I didn’t care how grateful my mom told me I should be. I felt humiliated. I didn’t tell people what I thought about their bodies? Why did they think they could tell me? I remember a preteen photo of me where my legs looked like chop sticks with knobby knees. I threw that picture away. But I still remember it. Vividly.
My sweet grandmother tried once to fatten me up when I was a kid. I couldn’t possibly eat all the food she piled on my plate, so for days, I dumped half my meals behind her refrigerator. The excess food of course didn’t go away. I was in the back bedroom when she screamed my name. She finally discovered the source of her bug infestation. Needless to say, she never tried fattening me up again.
Body image can be frustrating, regardless of body type. More recently a friend shared an opposite situation. She had been overweight and jokingly (I think) blamed it on her husband because he was so loving and accepting of her––inside and out, that she always thought she looked “hot.” Yes, she used this same descriptive. Her doctor informed her she was overweight when she had to get her knee replaced. I love this friend’s essence and agree with her husband. She’s hot, as in beautiful, fierce, confident, and comfortable in her own skin. She now understands that even though she might feel hot, her extra pounds were affecting her health.
Other physical factors, besides weight, can also affect our body image, things like height, breast and bootie size, how our hair looks, and whether or not we wear glasses or braces or have a handicap. I recall an incident in my 40s when someone took the liberty to tell me what she thought about my hair. And it wasn’t good. I shopped at a particular clothing store and always asked for a particular salesperson because she was great at helping me get in and out quickly. I mostly dislike shopping, so I welcome assistance that minimizes my effort. But one day my saleslady asked, “Have you ever thought about coloring your hair?” I had made an intentional decision to go natural. My silver hair was and is me. I know she was trying to be helpful, but her comment frustrated me. I welcomed her opinion about my clothes, not my hair (I was in a clothing store after all). I guess she felt comfortable enough to advise me on my total look. I never shopped there again.
Much has been written about body image. As we face the holidays again, and close yet another year, I think it’s an appropriate time to reflect on “self,” to breathe deeply, and to embrace who we are and who we are becoming. I have an exciting lineup of “Body Shop” blogs through the end of the year that includes some guest bloggers. Also up are 2020 Embodiment class offerings that might be of interest. I hope you stick around. It’s going to be hot, hot, hot.
Mark your calendars (registration information coming very soon) for Embodiment Classes: self-discovery via exposition
Our bodies carry with them a collection of stories that reveal our unique selves. Whether it is a memory of a haircut gone wrong, a finger wearing a ring from a loved one, or breasts that survived cancer, our bodies encapsulate a lifetime of memories. By using one-word body prompts, participants will be guided through the writing of 3-4 short stories to begin a forever memoir collection.
Date: January 16, 23, 30, February 6, 6-7:30 pm
Location: The Hub, New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Cost: $60 for four classes or $18 per class, no additional materials needed
Date: February 16, 23, March 1, 8, 1:30-3:30 pm
Location: Canterbury Retreat and Conference Center, Oviedo, Florida
Cost: $185 by December 31; $200 by January 31; $225 by February 14
I’ll be co-teaching with Sandra Stanford, LMHC with Charis Counseling Center, and adding a therapy-through-writing component.
“When one is ‘addicted to one’s story,’ one does not love all the components of the story. They are obsessed with a version of a partial story, a slice of the story. Their unbalanced interpretation possesses them, and they can easily allow this incomplete image of themselves to define their story.” –Dr. David Baker, email@example.com
The theme of my presentation at my recent Momentous Living exhibitions was “embracing one’s story,” I asked Dr. David Baker, a psychotherapist, if he would take us a bit deeper into the difference between story addictions and embracing one’s story. This is what he said:
We can come to understand the distinction between being “addicted” to one’s story and embracing one’s story in a helpful way by understanding how the need for the distinction became important in the first place. I believe it is important to distinguish addiction from embrace because we have come to confuse addiction with love.
To fall passionately, madly in love with one’s own story, without being possessed by it, obsessed with it, “addicted” to it, or needing to edit its truth, is a rare thing. Many are drawn to criticize, demonize or edit their own stories. But to detest one’s own story is to detest the self. The story is I. And I am the story. I don’t have a story, carrying it around like a handbag. I am my story. And the more time and energy one expends on identifying with a lopsided view of one’s story—emphasizing only the sad, ugly, lonely, empty parts of the story, or the light, bright, sweet and beautiful parts—the more obsessed one becomes by that one-sided view. Identification feeds obsession. Why? Because simplicity is seductive; it wants one thing, not two; it wants quick and easy, black or white, mistrusts gray. And because complexity—seeing one’s story as fragmented, messy, and populated by people and experiences we don’t understand or can’t bear to behold—is frightening.
In clinical practice I most often experience persons identifying with the negative pole of their story, the tragic and the shameful, the abusive and the abandoning. Of course one of the goals of therapeutic intervention is to allow persons a holding environment where they can express and often re-experience the painful and neglected parts of themselves and their stories, parts that have been forlorn and missing from awareness. However, these components represent only one of many parts of one’s story. Thus, another goal of treatment is to allow for the whole story to emerge, which most often includes moments of joy and hope, trust and love, resilience and re-emergence. For some, when encountering the unseemly, disgusting, unacceptable components of their story, they find these to be so unbearable that they feel the need to change the story—to minimize, neglect, or even abandon the darker narratives. This can be a slippery slope toward faking one’s story—a false self, faking its own story. And the negative aspects of one’s story can be seductive, and in the seduction the self becomes identified with its tragedies, to the exclusion of its joys.
Each person, each story has within it what psychologist Carl Jung called “shadow,” which he defined as “… that which we have no wish to be,” but that we are. Some come to loath their own story so that they would seek to exchange their story for a better looking, sexier, more entertaining or more culturally appropriate story. But this denial of one’s authentic story is a denial of the authentic self, of the extravagant, beautiful, terrible and painful trajectory that comprises every one’s unique and unrepeatable journey. But because every authentic story has elements of shadow, some will decide to throw out the whole story.
Identifying with one’s story in a responsible way means embracing the story in its entirety, its shine and shadow, accepting the truth that the subject of the story—my self—has potential for both “good” and “evil,” for health and illness, to love and hate, sometimes simultaneously. This is the real self, and thus, this is the real story we must embrace.
What does it mean to be “addicted” to one’s story? Addiction immediately implies distance, which is never good when relating to oneself or one’s story. When encountering someone who is “addicted”—whether to a substance, a behavior, one’s work, an experience, a person, or to one’s story—there is one particular quality that is missing: the addict does not love the object of his addiction. The alcoholic does not love alcohol; he loves what alcohol does for and to him. The relationally addictive person doesn’t love the person in her gaze; she loves what he does for and to her. One does not abuse the thing it loves. The addict can only abuse, and the abuse is in the distance he creates between himself and the other, objectifying it, or them, valuing it, or them, for it’s ability to fulfill the addiction. Further, the addict is a slave of, or to its object, and has given himself over to something. The addict doesn’t hold the object of his addiction; the object holds them, which helps explain the obsessional quality of addiction. So, when one is addicted to their story, they are obsessive about the story they tell themselves. They are lopsided in their perspective of light and dark, emphasizing one over the other, out of balance and unable to find, much less see the authentic story in all its complexity.
It is easy to mistake addiction for love, because of the immense drive, intensity and energy in addiction. But if love can be defined in part by its ability to sacrifice self in consideration of the other, then addiction is devoid of love, because the addict can only consider the object as far as that object will fulfill her addictive need(s). The heart of addiction is the lack of perspective and objectivity, an inability to see the object, the other, for its unique beauty and complexity. Again, the addict hasn’t the ability to appreciate the object beyond its ability to fulfill the addiction that, parenthetically, is momentary.
When encountering someone who is “addicted“ to their story then, one feels their obsession, often presenting as a kind of self-involvement, with little interest in others, powered by a hunger that cannot be satiated. The self has turned on itself and made the story the object of its own attraction and longing. But it isn’t the authentic story they see. Authentic stories have boring parts, parts that are missing or out of place, gray parts, painful parts, and parts so lovely and true we can hardly behold their extravagance. When one is “addicted to one’s story,” one does not love all the components of the story. They are obsessed with a version of a partial story, a slice of the story. Their unbalanced interpretation possesses them, and they can easily allow this incomplete image of themselves to define their story. The danger of dangers in living addicted to a partial story is that one can’t see a future, can’t escape the past. They become stuck in those few chosen moments which they perceive have defined not only their story but their very self.
Thus, to embrace one’s story, as opposed to being addicted to it, requires that one embrace the whole story, not the easy, convenient parts. To embrace one’s story wholeheartedly requires that we live with the expectation that our story will continue to unfold, that there is a future story yet to be told. To responsibly embrace one’s story assumes the story isn’t stuck in place or time; rather, it is organic, forever moving, forever being written, every moment of every hour of every day. Because, after all, the story is the self.
One of my good friends, Siobhan, and I traditionally kick off our October birthdays by running UCF’s U Can Finish 2-mile fun run. It’s a nonthreatening distance that doesn’t induce stress, something neither of us want for our birthdays.
Last year I jogged while wearing a birthday cake hat. One person said, “Happy Birthday,” as he passed by. I yelled, “You are the first person to tell me that.” He looked back over his shoulder and said, “I guess everybody’s in their zone.” I thought about his comment the remainder of my run and well into the rest of my day. Really? Everybody (as in over a thousand people) were so focused on a 2-mile Fun Run that they couldn’t say, “Happy Birthday?” We weren’t competing in the Olympics for crying out loud.
Now, to clarify, I didn’t wear a cake hat so strangers would recognize my birthday. I wore my cake hat simply to celebrate my day. But, it did seem odd that only one out of over a thousand people shouted out a “Happy Birthday.” Why is that? I wondered.
This year, both Siobhan and I wore cake hats, as well as “Happy Birthday” sashes and socks with confetti. If people couldn’t tell that it was our birthdays, then they were simply unconscious. We collectively received around 20 well-wishes this year. Definitely an improvement over last year. But still. There were over one thousand people walking/jogging/running! Even the guy who snapped our pre-run photo, handed back my phone without showing the slightest recognition that it was our birthdays. Is it really that hard to tell a stranger, “Happy Birthday?”
Just as I was pointing out this point to Siobhan (for yet another time), a lady and two children walked up. “My two kids want to tell you ‘Happy Birthday’,” the mother said. Both her son and daughter looked up at us, smiled, and said, “Happy Birthday!” Their expressions, as if they were peering at royalty, showed how genuinely excited they were for us. They understood the bigness of our day. We had made it one more year, thank you very much.
Whoever said, “Children should be seen and not heard,” doesn’t understand the value in bold, authentic, joyous childlike living. Their well-wishes made Siobhan’s and my birthdays.
I can’t help but still wonder though, why is it that so many people can’t get out of their “zones” and do something as simple as extend a birthday greeting? Several people suggested different theories:
- Even though I was wearing a cake hat, it didn’t actually say, “birthday.” Perhaps people just didn’t make the connection. (Really?)
- Maybe people are just shy. (A thousand shy people?)
- I could have been too tall, so few people could actually see the candles on the hat. (But Siobhan is short. No missing her candles. This theory doesn’t make sense.)
- It’s because you’re human. If you were a dog wearing a cake hat, you would most certainly receive birthday wishes. (This sadly makes sense.)
- Or maybe it’s because you’re in the “middle ages,” not young or old, but in the overlooked middle. After all, if a child was wearing a cake hat or an elderly person, people would chime in. Right? But who cares if someone at midlife made it another year? (This makes sense too. Sadly.)
I’m not sure what’s up with all the zoning out, but I think I will do some investigative reporting to uncover some theories that are a bit more science-based. Stay tuned, as this is not yet over.
In the meantime, what do you think? And would you give a birthday greeting to someone wearing a cake hat?
Please leave a comment to help satisfy my childlike curiosity.
There have been times in my life when I have asked, “What the heck are you thinking?” Times like today in fact, when I’ll be putting myself out there to the universe showcasing stories that I have worked on for the past six months and a presentation that has culminated from a lifetime of sorting, sifting, and shifting. I have felt invigorated, purposeful, tormented through this process. Momentous Living is about all of this though, but most importantly it’s about taking the next step regardless of what the heck I might have been thinking. I am here, today, and this is my now. And today, I am going to host a Momentous Living Exhibition that I have worked extremely hard to make happen.
I hope you will join me today, Oct. 24, at Springhill Suites in New Smyrna Beach, 5:30-7:30 p.m., or at Winter Park’s Chamber of Commerce, Saturday, Oct. 26, from 9:30-11:30 a.m.
Thank you to my advisory council for their expert advise, encouragement, belief in me, and their decision to walk beside me: Lois Arp, Michelle Chira-Carlton, Betsy Huth, Sonya Laney, Ashley Novak, Siobhan O’Malley, Michelle Sherwood, and Sandra Stanford.
And a great big thank you to my sponsors: Dr. Brian Den Beste, LCA Development, Dr. David Baker, Sonya Laney, CPA, PA, Dr. David McKenzie, and Sandra Stanford, LMHC.
My exhibition is now one day away!
Here’s a sneak peek of the Embodiment collection. Hope you can make it.
Thursday, 5:30-7:30 pm, presentation 6:30, New Smyrna Beach, Springhill Suites.
Saturday, 9:30-11:30 am, presentation 10:30, Winter Park Chamber of Commerce.
Embodiment: discovering self through the exposition of body parts
Our bodies, our beings–beautiful, holy, worthy of honor–carry with them a collection of stories that reveal our unique selves. Whether it is a memory of a haircut gone wrong, a finger wearing a ring from a loved one, legs that finished an incredible race, ab flab that marked the birth of a baby or midlife menopause, or breasts that survived cancer; our bodies encapsulate a lifetime of experiences and emotions: happy, sad, laughable, heart-wrenching, empowering. These short stories with images, Illuminate our shades of gray, our depth, our essence.
Hair: In which a grandmother’s candor influences the decision to go totally natural.
Head: In which a childhood slumber party allows big heads to prevail, literally and figuratively.
Eyes: In which lifelong vision problems are examined through different lenses.
Nose: In which landing the lead in a school production turns out to be anything but an honor.
Mouth: In which a freak accident sparks a heightened appreciation of the human spirit.
Breasts: In which implants are augmented by discussion: Does size really matter?
Heart: In which a simple question traces the origin of stories.
Hands: In which family history is mined from an opal ring and an open palm.
Legs: In which a life without limbs sends the message to “carry on.”
My exhibition is three days away! I thought I’d post an overview of the feature stories. Hope you can make it.
Thursday, 5:30-7:30 pm, presentation 6:30, New Smyrna Beach, Springhill Suites.
Saturday, 9:30-11:30 am, presentation 10:30, Winter Park Chamber of Commerce.
Control: Clark Ketcham
There’s comfort in orderly outcomes where calculated decisions reap desired results, like hard work plus honesty equals some version of the proverbial American Dream. But what happens when control is not an option? When hard work and honesty end with something outside of our control, like a debilitating disease?
Enough: Doris Tomljenovich
When Doris was four, her six-year-old sister died from complications with measles. Doris was close to her older sister, but at that age, she doesn’t necessarily remember grieving. What she does remember is feeling like she no longer was enough, that she couldn’t fill the unfillable hole left from her sister’s passing. Now at eighty-five, Doris’ life has proven to be more than enough.
Grit: Nicole Cordova
After aging out of foster care, Nicole was determined not to allow her past to define who she is today and to not fall victim to any of the many discouraging foster care statistics. However, as a young adult and pre-med student, she now understands why the stats are what they are.
Growth: Vern Seward
Before the Peace Corps, Vern was adjusting to retirement from Lockheed Martin. He had plenty to do, lots of places to be, and close friends. But something seemed missing.
Life: Alan and Leslie Chambers
How does one stay in a heterosexual marriage in the throes of gay tendencies while remaining grounded in self and interdependence with spouse? And how does one do this with the added pressure of staying the course of a highly public and controversial profession that creates opportunities for faith-based and LGBTQ communities to enter into healthy dialogue?
Stars: Shoshanna Ravede and family
Shoshana was born with chromosome 16 deletion, a disorder that causes mental and physical delays. When she joined Girls on the Run, a program that teaches life skills and character development through noncompetitive running, she walked with ankle braces and no more than one mile. Ten weeks later, linking arms with her teammates, she finished the end-of-the-season celebratory 5K, walking 3.1 miles free of braces. Her family has been behind her every step of the way.
Surrender: Michelle Chira-Carlton
One weekend Michelle spontaneously packed a small suitcase and headed to Orlando International Airport, having no idea of her destination. She unplugged from technology, engaged with people, and walked thirteen miles her first day. It was her intentional practice to plan nothing more than staying present in each moment.
Vision: Bobby Blackmon
When Bobby’s eyesight suddenly left him at age five, he was watching his neighbor’s chickens through the window. Bobby describes that frightening experience as, “The day the chickens disappeared.” Now in his 40s, Bobby is a fulltime motivational speaker, poet, recording artist and author whose message focuses on positive transformation.